Dane Cook Quotes
1. One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.
2. I
don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is
a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who
also wanted that person dead.
3. I saw a young
boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know
that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
4. I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!
5. You
never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be
uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's
my Lab!?!
6. Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?
7. I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
8. Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
9. I
HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting
comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is
this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if
it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont
know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a
bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"
10. I'd like to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty, my balls glow.
11. Who
doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a
movie?" "Fuck that and fuck you, movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole
idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!
12. When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
13. Time
machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go
back..mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to
when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in,
spank my dad on the ass, I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!!
AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
14. You're
with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I
can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end
this thing violently, I got time.
15. I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.
16. When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."
17. Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"
18. Start
each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl.
Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies
out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!
19. I don't
know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot
of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also
wanted that person dead.
20. I wish I had some superpowers. I was
thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some
crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could
grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck
doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like,
"Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into the
skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."
21. "You
know what you do at the next party.You shit on the coats.Then u just
wait till someone comes out of the area that the coats are and the'll
be all like " Someone shit on the coats " or they may say " I think
someone has shit on the coats because i smell the stench of shit in the
vasinity of the coat area." then to make inconspetious you say "
What? I hope they didn't shit on my coat " then bam like a phantom just
blend back into the croud."
22. I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel...balls are empty.
23. It
would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes
out and punchs you in the face..... *argh* well waiting in line ain't
so bad after the punch in the face.
